National Bullying Prevention Month: Adult Bullies in Workplace, Friends and Family

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and, while most of the attention concerning the topic focuses on children in schools, adult bullying is a serious issue too. Bullying is an abusive behavior that involves intimidation and aggression with the bully’s intention to control another individual. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. The objective is to dominate and show some form of power psychologically, socially and/or physically.

Often times people only think of bullying within the context of children in schools. While that is an ongoing issue that needs attention there are adults who are bullied that need to have their voices heard too. Manipulative adults abuse in many of the ways children do. However, it happens within the context of family, workplace, universities or colleges and cyber space.

The four types of bullying include: 1. emotional and psychological 2. verbal; 3. physical; and, 4. cyber. Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical and psychological abuse; therefore, it should not be dismissed because it’s not hands on. Bullies usually target their victims based on differences in socioeconomic status, image, demeanor, ethnic background, physical build, social status, gender, faith, political views and abilities.

Race and gender are protected classes of people and  are protected by certain laws in the U.S.  Bullying can be person-to-person or it can occur in groups. It is referred to as peer abuse when it happens at school or at one’s job. It oftentimes involves abuse such as subdued behavior that isn’t immediately obvious.

There are possibilities for bullying anytime human beings have contact or interact with each other. Notable environments include communities, homes, place of employment, schools, grocery stores, school buses…the list goes on.

Types of Bullying
Cyber Bullying & Social Bullying
Verbal Bullying
School Bullying
Text Bullying
Workplace Bullying
Bullying Parents
Bullying Harassment
Physical Bullying
Name Calling vs. Bullying
Female Bullying

Ways to stop bullying:

1. Don’t blame yourself. Extended tolerance of bullying behavior can cause one to feel like it’s their fault. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We all have choices and the way we treat one another is no exception. Bullies like negative reactions. It’s instant gratification for their abusive behavior. Don’t feed their low self esteem by showing them that they are bothering you.

2. Use the attract more flies with honey approach. Being kind to the person can sometimes change their disposition. Often times bullies will target those they consider to be a threat to their position personally or professionally. Try greeting the individual when you see him and showing him that you are there to help not hurt. Use kindness with caution because it can also be perceived as acceptance of the behavior.

3. Silence means tolerance. Therefore, speak up for yourself if you’re the person being bullied. Let the bully know the behavior is offensive and that it will not be tolerated.

4. Speak up for someone you witness being bullied.

5. Get third party help. This could be a co-worker who has witnessed the abuse or human resource personnel. If it’s a friend or a family member, try talking with someone that you trust or seek professional help e.g., doctor, counselor, psychologist, therapist.

Parenting: Ways to Deal With Defiant Teens

Ways to Deal With Defiant Teens

It’s tough for parents to understand how to handle a defiant teen. The frustration comes with trying various strategies to deal with the seemingly out of control behavior and feeling like nothing is working. The ability to “get through to them” oftentimes leads to more parent teen differences and the loss of one of the primary adhesives to all healthy relationships: trust. The subsequent conflict sometimes sends teens down a road of more negative behavior. The key to turning the situation around and putting teens on a positive path is parental awareness and expressing understanding about how their teen feels. Here are some ways to do that:

1. Underlying Reason

At the baseline of all of the raw emotions defiant teens express is an underlying reason. Teens have difficulties with peers, socializing, dating, school and other external relationships that may be causing misplaced aggression. For most teens, parents are their “cushion,” you are the place they go for comfort, consolation, encouragement, love and understanding. Sometimes they just want parents to listen. Then express empathy for what they are going through. Listening and empathy oftentimes turns a negative situation into a positive one.

2. Minimize Idle Time

Busy teens who participate in activities tend to perform better in school, have healthier relationships with their parents and peers and are less likely to get involved with risky behavior.

3. It’s a Battlefield: Choose Wisely

As teens gain more independence and continue to discover who they are as individuals, parent child differences increase. Choose situations to contend with based on their level of safety and importance. Certainly a teen’s choice of shoes is not as much of a call for parental intervention as hanging out with peers who are on a negative path.

4. Make Problem Solving a Team Effort

Even though they roll their eyes and stomp their feet, teens still consider parents a people they can turn to to work through their problems. What’s important for parents to understand is that teens are growing up and with that comes the important skills like decision making and problem solving. Therefore, listening, asking questions such as “What do you think about that,” and providing advice when necessary is the best way to help teens work through issues. It shows them that parents are there for them, with them, and, together they will get though the problem.

For more about ways to deal with parenting teens, visit: http://www.realbeautyinsideout.com

Raising Teens: What Berkeley & Brooklyn Moms Have In Common

What Berkeley & Brooklyn Moms Have In Common

Dr. Trevicia Williams empowers moms and daughters during her I Love You, But, I Can’t Stand You Right Now seminar

Puberty’s effect on teens doesn’t begin to compare with its impact on moms. It is a common thread for all moms. There’s a storm of emotional, psychological, physical and social changes that occur during the adolescent years. What’s going on physically greatly affects an adolescent’s needs, desires, interests, and, emotions. As a tween and teen’s physical appearance changes, his or her social influence is altered as well.

 

Great social influence is like putting a propeller on the range of emotional transformations adolescents go through. Physical changes, such as breast development, menstruation, facial hair, deeper voice and the like, affect children’s social experiences. Volatile hormones is not an excuse for extremes in moods and behavior, it’s a reality. Rapidly changing hormones is an explosion of chemicals racing through the body. Bodily changes can both positively and negatively affect a child’s social life. Teens who develop slower might experience less popularity than those who mature more quickly. The new attention or lack thereof affects a child’s self-esteem and confidence.

Parents of teens share many of the same concerns, such as:

Family Rules: Chores, Curfews, Driving, Hanging Out, Home Alone, Messy Room, Parties, Phones, Privacy, Screen Time, Social Networking, etc. ; Health and Behavior: Acne, Anger, Body Image, Cliques, Depression, Disorganization, Out of Control Teens, Eating Disorders, Fears, Friends, Insurance, Orthodontia, Passivity, Sleep, Spirituality; Activities, Events & Fun: Biking, Classes, Concerts, Friendships, Halloween, Moving, Parties, Prom, Sleepovers, Socializing, Spirituality, Sports, Summer, Travel, etc; Clothes, Grooming & Their Stuff: Acne, Allowance, Bras, Clothing, Credit Cards, Ebay, Gifts, Hair, Makeup, Phones, Tatoos, Piercings, etc.; and, Dating, Relationships & Sexuality: Dating, Homophobia, Menstruation, Overnighters, Sexually Active Teen, Talking about Sex, The Boyfriend’s Parents, The Pill, etc. and the like.

 

Parenting during this stage has  proven to be one of the most challenging and trying times of a parent’s relationship with his/her child. However, realizing that adolescence is a stage that will pass and loving them through it makes a world of difference. Here are a few ways to help your child get through this stage:

Listen. In general, most people tend to talk more than they listen; however, it’s important to hear your teen out. Give him your undivided attention. When your teen wants to talk is the worst time for multitasking. Eliminate all distractions such as radio, tv and/or cooking. Show him that you heard what he said by, in your own words, repeating what he told you. If for any reason what your restate is inaccurate, it provides your child an opportunity to explain it another way.

Set a Who, When, Where, and How Rule. During my mother daughter healthy relationship seminar: I Love You But I Can’t Stand You Right Now (TM), I always tell teens that if they want to get more yeses when they ask their parents if they can do something, they need to provide them with answers to who they want to do the activity with, when the activity starts, ends and time they will return home, where the activity will take place, and how they are expecting to get there and return home. When there’s secrecy, there’s cause for concern.

Spend Time Together. Although your teen is gaining more independence, he still needs your love, support, guidance and attention and to have fun with you. Set regular dates to spend quality time together. Simple things like going to Starbucks, playing a sport together, teaching a new skill or letting them teach you something you didn’t know about a topic of interest and watching a movie allows for quality time. Those are times they never forget.

Encourage. Praise and encouragement provides the necessary support your teen needs to stay motivated and perform his best.

Model the Behavior You Want to See. Children learn far more about how to behave by watching their parents than they do by listening to their instructions. For example, if you want your teen to be confident, try to refrain from criticizing yourself in their presence. They are paying attention and taking notes.

Father Daughter Relationships: Do Daughters Marry Their Dads?

The father daughter relationship is important because it is part of a girl’s foundation of love, trust and security. The father daughter relationship sets the standards for respect and what she “should” expect from boys and men in other areas of her life. A daughter’s relationship and interactions with her father is a significant predictor of the type of short-term and long-term relationships she will pursue when she starts dating, and, later on, gets married.

It has been said that daughters marry their fathers. That’s largely because children learn a lot about love and life by what they observe growing up. If they observe love and kindness they tend to seek those attributes in other relationships. Alternatively, if they observe abuse and neglect, they are more inclined to seek relationships accordingly.

http://www.ktxdtv.com/story/25770571/psychologist-dr-trevicia-williams-father-daughter-relationships

A recent study showed that fathers and mothers bond differently with daughters: Dads feel more connected and close when they are actually “doing” things with their daughters whereas moms feel closest when they are having a conversation with their daughters.

1. Doing vs. Dialogue

A recent study showed that a significant “Game Changer” with fathers and daughters sense of feeling close were shared activities especially sports! Other meaningful life events for fathers and daughters include: 1. leaving home; and, 2. getting married.

While the Baylor Study showed that both fathers and daughters agreed that playing sports helped them bond the most, other activities dads said enriched their relationship included:

1. Engaging in faith based activities such as church;
2. Doing projects around the house together; and,
3. Giving their daughters driving lessons.

The study also showed that daughters indicated that they bonded with their fathers when they began to play a sport, a hands on activity during which the father is the “primary playmate” as daughters learn to:

1. Handle competition,
2. Try new things and take risks; and ,
3. Defend themselves.

Sports is favored because it an opportunity for daughters to have the undivided attention of their fathers. It makes them feel special. One woman said “I used to love it when my dad would take off work to come coach my softball team.”

There are several positive components of parenting daughters than fathers can consistently do to enrich his relationship with his daughter that have a lifetime impact, including”

1. Ongoing involvement is an important pare of the development of a girl’s
self-esteem;
2. Communicating encouragement in words and actions;
3. Listen, paying close attention to the way she feels,
4. Get involved with the health and positive things that she has expressed interest in.

Many men feel uncomfortable with all of the physiological and psychological changes that his daughter experiences during the tween and teen years. Puberty and the emotional roller coaster that accompanies it makes dads feel that their daughters no longer need the affection that they expressed when they were younger. However, research shows that the tween and teen stage of daughters’ development is one of the most critical times of her life wherein she needs the love and attention of her father. The emotional support of fathers helps shape daughters’ self-image and sense of who she is. Emotionally supportive relationships with their fathers is linked to:

1. Reduced teen pregnancy and decreases the likelihood of early age sex,
2. Enhances the daughter’s self esteem, and;
3. Significantly affects girls’ identity as she becomes a woman.

More about Psychologist, Dr. Trevicia Williams at: http://www.treviciawilliams.com

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Healthy Relationships: Ways to Avoid Psychological Bullying and Manipulation

Psychological bullying is pervasive; however, there are ways to identify and handle manipulative people who use others for personal agendas. Psychological manipulation can be described as “undue influence” through emotional abuse and mental exploitation, with the intention to gain power, control, advantages at a targeted person’s expense.

Whether it’s spiritual, pastoral, platonic, intimate, family, business, or friends, all healthy relationships involve love, respect, and, mutual concern for the well being of the other person. Most people experience healthy reciprocation of giving and taking. It occurs when there’s a balanced exchange of benefits and privileges. However, when there’s an imbalance in what is exchanged emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, or financially by parties, one person is being psychologically manipulated and is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator intentionally devises a plan that creates unfair leverage of power, and exploits the targeted person for the purposes of fulfilling or accomplishing his or her plan of action.

ABC’s 20/20 recently did a story about how millions of people who are hurting and in difficult situations are manipulated by psychics, readers, witchcraft workers, and, witches everyday. People spend millions of dollars seeking answers to heart felt questions that they never get. Take a look at 20/20’s story: http://abcnews.go.com/US/private-investigator-helped-recover-2m-psychic-fraud-victims/story?id=23348889.

God is THE only true, wholesome, full spectrum answer to your problems. You must always question the integrity of information when you are paying for it. Pick up the King James version of the Holy Bible and read, study, learn for yourself. Accept Jesus as your Lord & Savior and ask God to come into your life, and heart. Seek Him for help. In doing so, you will be comforted and you will find peace and love and ultimately answers. Oftentimes, you’re not ready for THE answer because you need to heal first. So, don’t press God for answers, rather, seek a wholesome personal relationship with Him. He will guide you from that time forward and you will never feel the need to seek answers elsewhere (especially if they require large sums of money).

To identify people who bully psychologically or are manipulative, look for these characteristics:

1. Someone who seeks to learn your weaknesses right away and persist until they do;
2. Someone who uses your weaknesses to their advantage; and,
3. Someone who talks you into relinquishing something personal for their own personal gain.

YOU must stop the manipulator or the problem will only get worse. You reclaim self by first knowing your inherent rights as a human being. As long as you do not violate others, you have the right to defend yourself and protect your rights. Alternatively, if you violate others, you may forego these rights:

Not to be psychologically violated

To develop and maintain your own personal views and perspectives

To express your emotions and desires

To expect to be respected and treated the way you treat others

The right to prioritize and establish boundaries

To decline offers by either choosing to think about the offer prior to making a decision or simply saying no

Not to subject yourself to harm by removing self from a psychologically, mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally abusive person or situation

To be free of torment, abuse, ongoing conflict and create an environment that enables you to be happy and healthy